Well, except for the black part, and I'm not very physically strong either, but I guess it's more talking about 'strength of the soul' or something equally cheesy :P
anyway, the point is, I just had a nice D'n'M (is that how you write it? I dunno, it just looks better than dnm...anyway a DEEP and MEANINGFUL conversation) with my mum, because I was complaining that my brother was taking all my friends, because first he started going out with one of my close friends, then on the bus today, two of my friends from school (not close ones, but still) got on, and walked straight past me, and then waved to him...and I was sort of like "oh, right, thanks guys..." but in my head, because I didn't want to seem petty or anything, but it really hurt...and so I was complaining to my mum, and I blamed her (I wasn't really blaming her, but I reckon that it is part of the reason...), because she made us got to a small school for 3 years, where we had to share friends because there were only so many cool people there...so he now seems to think that it's normal, and I have no issue with him being friends with my friends, but it's upsetting when they then become better friends with him, and ignore me...does that make sense? or do I seem really petty? Anyway, we are not here to discuss my shortcomings and pettiness (which, I still really don't think this is...) the point of this is to tell you what my dearest mother told me. she said that I was strong and confident, even if I didn't realise it.
She said I knew who I was, and I knew what I wanted, not necessarily what I want to do with my life (lol, who knows that this early on? awks when almost everyone does, but I am an arts student, so I'm screwed before I even begin, aren't I? :P) but I can make a decision. She said I was confident with myself, even if I was shy, and that she didn't worry about me.
Now, there were two things I wanted to discuss here. First: the difference between 'self-confidence' and 'confidence' and there is a difference, and I don't think everybody knows the difference, or maybe I just have my own view of the difference. In my view self-confidence is what I have. I am comfortable with who I am, I know I'm weird, and I kind of talk like and idiot. I know that not everybody will like me for who I am, but I also know that this is who I am, and I don't want to change for anyone. Having self-confidence doesn't mean you can talk to anyone, or make speeches in front of heaps of people. it doesn't mean you are good at talking to people or making friends, it just means you are confident with yourself. Confidence on the other hand is what means you can just go out and talk to people just like that (I just clicked my finger btw :P), being confident means you can talk to people and aren't scared of people, but people who are confident aren't always necessarily self-confident, they can be insecure with themselves, but just be really good at covering it up, just as people who are self confident aren't necessarily confident (that would be me...)...but I guess that normally the two go hand in hand, but there's always the exception that proves the rule right?
The other thing I wanted to discuss was the fact that she doesn't worry about me. Well, she does worry about me, she asks about school work, and listens when I complain about people at school, and my problems and such, but she doesn't worry about me failing school, or life, or not knowing who I am...and strange as it sounds, sometimes I wish people would worry about me more...I mean, sure, no one thinks I'm going to fail, but that doesn't mean I want to feel like I matter to someone and have them worry about me, you know? it's like in art, the teacher will come over to where I'm standing with my two friends in art, and he'll talk to one of them for ages about her painting, because she is very indecisive about what she wants to do, and is constantly changing her mind about what she wants to do, and sure I get that he needs to help her to decide what to do and help her get something done, but he stands right next to me, and then just walks away without saying anything about any of my paintings...and I guess that that means that there is nothing to worry about with my paintings, but it would still be nice if he could reassure me, or discuss with me if my colour composition is a bit off...you know, sometimes it's nice to know that people are at least thinking about you enough to worry about you...
well, this was sort of a self pity post...tomorrow's post will be less self pitying, promise! I'm planning on writing one post a day for the first week, then maybe a couple a week after that, but I need to get into the habit of doing it regularly if I hope to succeed at this at all :P
so, that's all...hope I've given you (the you who doesn't even exist yet, but will hopefully eventually...Fingers crossed!!) something to think about...or maybe you just think I'm even more insane now than you did before...if that's at all possible :P
anyway,
bye guise!
xoxo
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