I need consistency and stability, but monotony and repetition destroy me.

2am nothingness

http://friendlyaxolotl.co.vu/post/78977298770/comic-about-how-ive-been-feeling-recently

All credit to the original artist obviously, but it is literally the most accurate thing I've ever seen about my life.

Good news everyone!

We broke 1000 page views the other day ;o

Sleep is for the weak

It concerns me that I have to stay up hours longer than I'd like to, until I am completely and utterly exhausted barely able to keep my eyes open, so that I can actually sleep. Instead of lying in bed working myself into a panic and a frenzy with my thoughts so that I won't sleep at all, just lie there silently, wishing for sleep but unable to find it. The fact that lying in the dark and quiet by myself now terrifies me again is also concerning, I need music or someone in bed with me, but music keeps me awake unless I'm dead on my feet tired, and I don't have anyone to sleep with. Needless to say I'm not sleeping very well, and I miss being well rested and not tired all the time. #thankgodforcoffeetho #amirite

Everyone sucks xoxo

Fan-fucking-tastic. Yep. New me alright. The sort of new me that goes home with guys I meet in civic. And not even the guy I wanted to go home with. Oh no. We hooked up earlier in the night then he found another girl and proceeded to avoid me for the rest of the night. So no, not the guy I barely know but for some reason am really upset about him having another girl. No no. I went home with his best fucking friend. Fuck. What is actually wrong with me? Do I have no self control or boundaries? I mean, we didn't have sex or anything, but still. 
This is why I avoid emotional attachments, because they never end well. I get too attached to people I don't know that well or that don't want me and I'm the one who actually ends up getting hurt for once. Which I don't like and I'm not used to, and so not good at handling. 
fuck. fuck fuck fuck. 
I hate myself.
So much for that self respect and losing my dependency on the attention of boys. A+. Four for you Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco.

I did have a pretty fun night though, so that's all good, but seriously dude, what's the deal with the seriously mixed messages? Either you want me or you don't, and obviously I'd prefer that you want me bc I want you, but you just need to make up your mind, make it clear and not lead me on if you don't. 

I suck. He sucks. Everyone sucks.

 if you don't swim, you'll drown

- She Looks So Perfect, 5 Seconds of Summer

New Month, New Me.

Okay, I've got forty minutes until it's not the first day of April anymore, and these are my last forty minutes as the old me. I mean I'll keep bits and pieces of the old me, but it's time for me to love me. I'm going to get over my ex. Maybe I still love him a little, maybe I always will, but he's got a new girlfriend and he's never going to love me back, so why waste my emotional energy? He's not worth it. (He really is.) I will not cry over him again and I will delete my playlist of songs that make me think of him, that damn playlist and all the songs on it are like the number one trigger of my depression and I don't need that shit in my life any more. Out with the old and in with the new. Speaking of new, I met (well technically re-re-met, since I knew him when I was a kid, and then we unknowingly hooked up in a club the other day) a really nice guy at Zambreros today, who before he was even sure who I was was like the friendliest and most familiar person ever, who made me smile straight up even though I'd been having a shitty day. We had a conversation later after I added him on Facebook, and idk I could really see this going somewhere, though I don't know where since I'm about to leave and he's moving to Melbourne, but who knows, it's time to take each day as it comes instead of looking at the long haul and letting my anxiety scare me out of actually giving anything a proper go. Also he's v cute in a grungy skater bad boy kinda way which is #perf c;
I'm going to start doing stuff that puts me out of my comfort zone, rather than just being content to live in my little cozy shelter. Idk what yet, but I know I have to do it.
I'm going to start taking steps to deal with my various mental issues, but also accept that they're there, and they're nothing to be ashamed of, and people aren't just going to stop wanting to hang out with me once they find out it have depression/anxiety/OCD, and if they do stop wanting to hang out with me then they're not worth my time anyway. 
I'm going to tell people how I feel. Okay, no, I probably won't do that one, but I'll try.
I'm going to stop posting sad whiny shit on this blog, and actually make it interesting for people, but I'm still going to post about my life bc it's my blog and I do what I want.
I'm going to write a fuck tonne of stuff because it's what I love to do and I don't care if it's shit people who think that can suck my dick it's my life so fuck you.
I'm going to (try to) finally be kinda happy.
I'm going to (try to) actually feel something.
I'm going to (try to) have more than basic and cold hearted emotions.
I'm going to fucking yolo it because you do really only live once, and I'm not going to waste it.
I'm going to be a new improved me.

xoxo

Because you're worth it

I don't really know how to introduce or explain this, so I'm just going to jump straight in. It concerns me that my brother is way more pissed about one of his friends kissing me without my consent at a club than I am. I'm in fact not annoyed at all, I couldn't care less, to me that's just what happens at clubs and if you don't want them to kiss you, you just say no and generally they'll back off. My brother almost beat the shit out of his friend and his friend is now dead to him. His friend isn't the only guy who just kissed me that night, and if he hadn't been Ben's friend and also the friend of a guy who I'm sort-of-non-commitally-not-seriously-kinda-seeing I probably would have just gone with it like I did with the other guy tbh. Maybe that says more about me than it does about like society or whatever like I was originally going for. I mean it's not the first time I've thought about my clubbing experiences like this before, I go clubbing and hook up with guys because it's easy for me. It's a confidence boost that I can get pretty much any guy I want if my dress is short and tight enough. I hook up with guys in clubs because I know my looks will get me further than my personality will. Because I have so little self worth and self value that I don't think anyone will ever be able to actually love me for me, but I can sure as shit get a horny drunk guy to grope my arse and put his tongue in my mouth with a shy look and a smile, or a raised eyebrow and a head tilt. I don't mind guys using me as a sex object, because at least I'm wanted and not alone at least for a little while. It lets me feel in control, when in fact as evidenced by the number of guys who just go for it without permission I'm really not. But that's okay with me too, because I'm the most submissive person and power play is kinda hot (as long as it doesn't go too far). Far put I'm fucked up. Maybe I should care more about myself and develop some self esteem and self worth. Yeah.