Are you afraid of the dark? Because I am.

Yes, I admit it, I am afraid of the dark. 
Hello, and welcome to "How to be pathetic at 17 with Emily".

There are really five major things that I'm scared of. As in sick to my stomach, tiny (or massive) panic attack want to cry scared. And here they are:

Spiders:
HolymotherofGod I hate spiders. Words cannot describe the deep-seated gut wrenching fear I have had for spiders for as long as I can remember. Even the tiny ones freak me out and make me feel sick to my stomach. At New Year's I was down the coast visiting family and my Dad's cousin thought it would be fun to pick up this giant Huntsman that was chillin outside and let all the kids play with it, because while it is huge and hairy and creepy and terrifying, it is, in all fairness, completely harmless. If it bites you it'll hurt, but that's about it. But that is not why I'm scared of spiders, oh no. I'm scared because they are the sort of creature that only Satan himself could have designed, and then immediately regretted. So the kids are all outside playing with the big creepy spider, and I'm peacefully inside texting people, when suddenly I hear a little "Emilyyy" I look up, not seeing the adorable face of my three year old cousin-y-person (he's related to me somehow...) instead there is Satan's nightmare perched on two tiny hands right near my face. I scream and jump out of my seat, knocking it to the ground in the process, which elicits laughter from the children and my Dad's cousin. I retreat away from the spider, feeling like I might have just escaped with my life. Suddenly a voice from outside calls out the words that destroyed my short lived piece of mind: "Bailey, why don't you take it to her?"
My mind went blank with a sudden panic that overshadowed everything that had happened in my life up until this point. I didn't even have the sense to remember that while terrifying, this spider was not at all poisonous, nor aggressive, as it sat placidly on the hands of a three year old. No. All my mind could tell me was: "This is it. This is how you die. This is the end." My saviour came in the form of a quick burst of inspiration: run. And so I did. I turned and I ran from a giggling toddler. I ran to my room and went to lock the door and jump on the bed and break down, but ohno. ohgodno. There was no lock. I could hear the giggles at my door now. I would have to hold the door closed to prevent this hell bent child controlled by the urge to see the panic on my face and the voice of his father from entering my haven with the best from hell. And then I hear the words that were the undoing of my last shred of dignity: "Put it under the door Bailey." I see the little pink finger tips suddenly emerge under my door. I move as far away from the door as I can without letting go of the handle. Logically I know that since the fingers can barely fit under, there's no way that the spider could, but logic holds no power over me any more. "BAILEY GO AWAY! TAKE IT AWAY BAILEY! NO! STOP! STOP NOW BAILEY!" I screech (an atrocious sound, but under the circumstances, perfectly justified) finally the fingers leave and I hear his angel of a mother calling him away and admonishing him for terrorizing his cousin. I let go of the door finally and collapse on my bed shaking. 
I don't like spiders.

Birds:

Birds are scary. Like seriously, you can't tell what they're thinking. If a dog is about to attack you, you can tell, with a bird you can't tell until it's too late and they've just impaled the back of your head with their razor sharp beaks. I don't mind small birds, or birds that don't, well, look like "birds" (for example: chickens, ducks, flamingos, geese, swans, emus, penguins, etc.) It's just the medium sized bird shaped ones. Especially magpies and crows. Magpies have the evil swooping reputation, and crows just look like they are the harbingers of death and evil. The main reason I first became afraid of birds was we were at the beach having fish and chips, as you do, and as is customary, a flock of seagulls had surrounded us, looking for any scraps we might be unfortunate enough to drop. There was one seagull though, that didn't squawk (that looks totally wrong, but I googled it and google said that's how you spell it, and I trust google) or flap around like the others. It just stood there, still as a statue with eyes as black as death and a soul equally dark. This evil black eyed seagull didn't stop there however. The torture of it's incessant stare did not end when we had finished eating and departed that particular place on the beach, no. This seagull, soul as black as night and intentions that would put the most hardened criminal to shame, followed us around the beach for the better part of an hour. By the end of this hour I was, to put it mildly: freaking the fuck out. No one believed me that this seagull had been following us. No one believed I'd seen pure evil in it's eyes and the heart of a killer. Oh no. They went merrily along on their way, oblivious to the new evil I had found in this world- birds. 

Heights:
This one's pretty normal tbh. Heights are a very logical thing to be scared of, I mean if you fall you die, so yeah. Though a lot of people I know who are "ohmygosh, I'm terrified of heights, they are the worst" are, by my standards not afraid of heights. The three metre diving board in swimming lessons reduced me to tears. I don't even like looking down over my 160cm (shorter than me) high loft bed. I'm kind of pathetic :P

Shower drains:
This is probably my most unusual fear, but it's also less acute than the others, this is a fear more out of habit and an all consuming fear when I was younger than something that terrifies me personally now. But I physically cannot bring myself to stand on the drain in the shower. If I do it by accident I have a mini heart attack and think I'm about to die for a second, leaping off (veeeery safe in the shower) and taking a minute to calm back down. This, very odd fear, originated when I was six or seven, we were on holidays at a beach resort in Puerto Galera in the Philippines. This was our go to holiday spot when we lived in the Philippines and it got to the point where all the staff knew us, and every time that we left the bartender (who absolutely loved me) would jokingly ask my parents if they could just leave me there until they next returned on holidays. So we had the same beach house that we had every time, a house that seemed almost like a second home to me, and after a lovely day on the beach I came home to have a shower before dinner. I entered the bathroom and went to turn on the shower to warm up when I saw it. There, in the bottom of the shower was the most horrific creature I had ever seen to that day. It was a big, black, worm like creature with a jet black mane around what I could only assume was it's face, though I did not get close enough to inspect. I ran out of that room faster than I'd ever run in my little life, screaming for my mother. She came running, thinking I'd somehow grievously injured myself, which wouldn't be the first time, instead she found me in tears, blubbering incoherently about this manifestation of evil itself sitting in the shower. She went to inspect what all the fuss was about, and upon finding, what I can now only assume was a rather large black caterpillar, washed it down the drain with little fuss. To me however, this was an unacceptable disposal of the monster, how did she know it wouldn't come back to seek out revenge on the person who had so callously washed it away, and me, being the nearest person as I bathed, would be but it's first victim in a quest to rid the word of the person who had tried to kill it. My mother simply laughed at me and told me to have my shower or I'd be late for dinner, but ever since that day I haven't been able to completely shake the feeling that that creature mutated during it's time in the drain and is just waiting for the perfect time to enact it's revenge.

The dark:
This one's kind of hard to explain, because it's not the dark I'm scared of necessarily, it's more what's in the dark. And I'm not sure if it's the supernatural side of the things-that-go-bump-in-the-dark that I'm scared of, or the actual people side of it that scares me, but I think it's a bit of both. The people aspect is an underlying fear that I've had for years that someone is going to break into our house while we're all asleep and steal all our stuff and also potentially, well there's no nice way to say this- kill us. I watched a show when I was young where that happened and it freaked me out, and there was this one girl who'd had her throat slit, but they hadn't done it properly, and she had to wait till they left then go to the neighbour's house and it was like the worst thing I'd ever seen, so when my brother thinks it's a good idea to walk around upstairs at two in the morning that is my first thought. My second is Slenderman. Ever since my friends forced me to play the game and then watch Marble Hornets (a YouTube documentary type thing about him) he has freaked me out to no end. Even writing about him now is freaking me out. So I'm going to stop because I feel a mini panic attack coming on...but yeah, ghosts and that sort of supernatural stuff freak me out too, and I can now barely walk from the light switch at one end of the kitchen to the lounge room at the other end with the lights off without freaking out. It's really bad. My mum said the same thing happened to her at around this age, so I'm really hoping it will pass, because this is starting to affect my sleeping when I can get to sleep because of real and imagined noises and the horrifying things my imagination can conjure up.

Well, that's my list of fears. I'm now sufficiently freaked out after writing that, and with perfect timing to- at 11:27 on a school night it's my bed time...ohgosh :P
Okay well I'm off to bed to try and get some sleep...
Bye bye now, y'all be sure to come back! (*insert your best southern accent here*)
(night ;P)
xoxo

Oops I did it again...

Heyo Party People, what's happening?

I'm on holidays at the moment, so that would normally mean doing absolutely nothing but internetting, but shock-o-horror, that hasn't been the case these holidays! ;o I've actually been leaving the house and seeing actual people! I've been out for breakfast and lunch and shopping and eating Ben & Jerry's at my best buddy Khalia's house (which was delicious and hilarious- we watched the Adventurous Adventures of One Direction 2, which is equally as hilarious as the first one ;)) and I went to the Iron Man 3 midnight premiere which was AMAZING! ohmygoodness it's a fantastic movie! I just can't even handle how amazing it was, I wanted to go see it again tonight, but Khalia bailed on me to hang out with her mum, because that's what my life is ;P And tomorrow morning I'm going to the Pancake Parlour for breakfast (again) for which I am tres excited ;) (For those of you who don't know, the Pancake Parlour is this really cool vintage sort of style restaurant thing where they pretty much just sell different varieties of pancakes and pancake varieties...even savoury ones! ;o Not that I've tried the savoury ones, I normally just go for strawberries, icecream and chocolate fudge sauce- because who wouldn't? ;D)
Today was half lame half pretty good though, cause I had to work, which was lame, and I had to start at 6:30 in the morning, so I had to wake up at 5:30 when it was still legits middle of the night pitch black outside, which was super duper lame, but work was actually kind of fun today, and I got to talk to the hot new boy quite a bit, which is always a bonus ;)
Anywayyyyyys, I'm not here to write about my holidays, because while they are exciting by my standards, by regular standards they are kind of boring, and I would hate to bore people! Not that what I'm writing about will probably be thaaaat much more interesting, but oh well.


The title, which until now hasn't made much sense (though how could I resist a bit of early Brit? ;P) shall now all make sense! What I've stupidly done again is I've gained and unhealthy and irrational attachment to someone I don't even know. I do this reeeaaally more than I should, though sometimes it's to a much more severe degree than other times, this time though, I've got it bad. Which kind of sucks, but at the same time, he's just perf <3 I'm not actually going to say who he is, because that'd be weird and then people who are not me would know and I just feel like that could end badly, because...yeah. But have you ever just seen someone in like a movie, or an interview or on YouTube and just thought, "Yep. We could work. There is definite potential here" Well that's what happens to me all the freeeaaaking time, because apparently I could just go out with anyone, yeah? loljk. But I just get like really attached, and am like "ohmygosh, they like food! I like food! Soulmates!" Which is totally normal right? But I'll get over it, either that or we get together, who knows ;P 
The reason this is such a huge problem though, is because while I'm emotionally invested in these people who I've never met, I struggle to fall for "real" people, which rn would be nice...because while I am incredibly good at being single, I'm kind of over it...
Well I felt like I had more to write there, but without getting creepy or weird and going into why we are totally right for each other I guess there's not much more to say...

It's so bad, I'm getting so used to the autocorrect on my iPhone, that if I type something wrong on my computer now I just expect it to fix itself, which it doesn't, so sorry for any really obvious typos I miss :P
Anyway, I've been awake for about 18.5 hours, and it really doesn't agree with me :P
So nighty night!
xoxo

Taking white to a whole new level...

Hey guys! What's uppp?! I super duper excited because I've had 17 pageviews just today, which is like an all time high for me (kind of sad I know, but hey, I'm happy ;P) but ohmygoodness a huge thank you to those people in America and Germany and wherever else you are! It means heaps to me that you can actually be bothered to read my stuff, so thanksssss!! Hugs to you all! And you should totally comment on stuff, just so I know you haven't accidentally just stumbled upon this and been like "oops, lol no this isn't what I was looking for" and then left, because that would be tragique :c

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to write about today...today I wanted to write about the problems of being white, and I don't mean like white as in Caucasian, cause I don't need to deal with race inequality and racism on here right atm (though I am totally against both) I mean being actually literally white. Like I'm so pale I glow in the dark sort of white... If this packet of crayons was the spectrum of human skin tones (as it is supposed to be) then I'd legits be that little white one hiding in the corner.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind being pale so much, I feel like I'd look very very strange if I was tan, but it's the things that come with being so pale that drive me nuts.

First of all it is imposssssible to find foundation that fits my skin tone. The number of brands in which I've tried the lightest shade only to find it significantly too dark makes me weep a bit inside. I resorted to using bb creams instead of foundation, because the coverage is so much less that I can get away with it not quiiiite being the right shade, then I've got really cheap translucent powder that is less translucent as actually white, so that pales the make up back down a bit so it looks slightly less dodgy, but it's still noticeably kind of dodgy. I've finally found a foundation that's the right shade after giving up looking for myself and going to an expensive make up shop and begging them to help me, but of course because it's me the only foundation I've found that's light enough is $70. I mean really, like I can afford that...but I've tried all the cheaper brands and that shit ain't gonna work, so I have to go with this, though thankfully my bestest bud is in America on a family holiday at the moment, so I made her buy me lots of nice make up for a fraction of the price it'd cost to get it here (the foundation is $44 USD, so abouuuut that in Australian dollars with the current exchange rate). The foundation is NARS Sheer Glow foundation in Mont Blanc (I mean it's got the word white in the name!) just btw...it's the second lightest shade in the collection, but it's pretty much as pale as the palest, it's just this one has a pinky undertone and the other one has a yellow undertone (bam! Make up knowledge right there! Thank you YouTube ;))

Aww, look! It's a heart! ;3

The next infuriating thing is how easily I get sunburnt, like holy crap. I don't tan. I am the exact same colour in winter as I am in summer. If you ever see me with any sort of a tan, you know I've cheated :P I can literally spend five minutes in the sun without sunscreen on and I'll get burnt, maybe not badly, but definitely burnt. I go through summer with weird red patches on my skin from wearing singlets of cut out tops, I literally look like a candy cane... And then I don't even get the slight reward once the incredibly painful bright red sunburn is gone of a tan. Nope. Straight back to white. So I apply layer upon layer of sunscreen, if only to minimise the amount of sunburn I get... We went to the pool once this summer (I really wanted to go more, but my friends are laaaaame ;P) and every hour I'd get out of the pool with Anna (afore mentioned best friend) to reapply two coats of +50 SPF sunscreen...it was ridicks.

The last really annoying thing about being so pale is the people who pretend to be pale. I just don't get it, if I could be at least a little not white then I would be, but then there are people who wear foundation 3 shades too light (and then you can see that their face is a completely different colour to the rest of them) because they think it's cool to be pale... wut. I mean I know that we internet dwellers set a high standard for cool, and thus people try to mimic us, such as trying to get the well earned palour of our skin tone from hours inside on the computer instead of outside in the sun, but really. The fact that I'm as pale as I am doesn't really have much to do with how much time I spend on the internet...I spend almost every lunch time and recess chillin outside, and if I could internet in the sun I 10/10 would, I'm like a cat in that way. But yeah, I don't understand people who try to be pale, and then you see photos of them with other people and they just look ridiculous...but yeah, do whatever you like people.

Anyway, that's my rant about being a pale person. It sucks, but after years of dealing with it, I'm finally embracing my inner polar bear and rocking the white ;)
I'm trying to do a post every day this week because I'm on holidays and don't have anything else to do...kidding! I'd totally do this even if I had a ridiculous amount of stuff to do (which I totally do ohgod why do I procrastinate so much?!) so I'll see you cool kids tomorrow!
TTFN! (if you don't know what is means- shame on you! ;o)
xoxo

What does Happy look like?

Fresh baked cookies. The worn out spine of a book you've read over and over. Guys who wink. Puffy skirts and polka dots. A new book from your favourite author. Perfectly iced cupcakes. Pink ribbons and black velvet. Sleeping kittens. A warm mug of tea. Autumn leaves. Fairy floss and Ferris wheels. Pretty high heels and scuffed up boots. Fairy lights. Cubby houses. Antique chairs. Wild flowers and daisy chains. Sandy beaches. Ice cream cones and Boost juice. Your room after a long holiday. Making your friends laugh. Merry-go-rounds. Perfectly curled hair and make up that lasts the night. When there's milk in the fridge when you feel like cereal. Nutella. A top that fits just right and jeans that never go out of style. Roast dinner. Your favourite TV shows. Sunsets and sunrises (when you can be bothered to get up to see them). Daffodils and snap dragons. Childhood toys. Warm croissants. Matching socks. Cute rings. Hula hoops and skipping ropes. Bright lipstick. Patterned tights. Crappy movies. Pasta. Blue eyes. Gogo boots. Sunny days and picnics in the park. Unexpected kisses. Party dresses. Ads that make you laugh. Blue ocean water. Glitter. Hot boys. Lace and masquerade masks. Shiny coins. Freshly painted nails. Cosy cafés with mismatched furniture. Happy.

Inspired by Jennifer E. Smith's book "What Happy looks like". I haven't quite finished it yet, but ohgosh it's good.

They're my dreams, but who's in charge?

It’s the ages old gripe- 17, and I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but that’s the problem- I do know. I know exactly what I want to do. I’ve got aspirations, dreams and plans. But no one wants to know. Least of all my parents. Sure, they’re all “we just want you guys to be happy. Do whatever will make you happiest.” Bullshiiiiit. My mum would cry and my dad would have a coronary if I told them I didn’t want to go to uni. It’d always been the plan- primary school, high school, college, uni. They blanched at the idea of a gap year, which isn’t even an unreasonable expectation. But telling them I want to go to tafe- uni for the trades? I think they’d die. Especially with them moving overseas and not being here to constantly remind me how I was ruining my chances at a good life, until I finally cracked and transferred to some safe as Arts course at whatever low grade uni I could get into. I mean, I know I’ve wanted to be an arts teacher for the past like 4 years, but that is so over now. I mean, maybe if people didn’t put that idea down each time I brought it up, then I might still want to do that and I’d go to uni- but there’s only so many “you a teacher?” “Emily wants to be a teacher, but with a short fuse like hers, I’d worry for her students” and “You really want to be that crazy art teacher?”-s you can take before you finally accept that maybe that’s not the dream for you. I mean, I gave up on vet and ballerina pretty quickly when I realised I can’t stand the sight of blood and my coordination is about as high as a drunk walrus. But I think I can actually do this. And my friends believe I can too. Sure, they were a little shocked when I first brought it up as something I wanted to do, but they’re all in now. I’ve got at least half a dozen good customers, but really, how much more does a cafe need, right? (so, so wrong. At least judging by how many customers I serve per shift at work.) So if I think I can do this, and other people who are completely willing to gently tell me if my dreams or ideas are stupid, believe I can do this- why can’t I just tell my parents. Why won’t they believe in me? I remember I told my mum once about this and I’m pretty sure she laughed and said “why would you want to do that?!” I reckon my dad would rather I got a tattoo or a boob job then for me to go to CIT. But I’m pretty sure they don’t do a “How to run a cafe 101” at uni. I’ve got so many dreams and ideas, but they all rest on this one thing I can’t bring myself to do- just tell them. But I can’t now. My brother’s about to drop out of uni, and how could I not go after that? It’d shatter them. Sure they want me to be happy, but happy to a point and happy at a price. They’ve spent so much time telling us to do well at school so we can get into uni and get a degree and live happy fulfilling lives, and then they try to tell us that we don’t have to go to uni. Ben has to stop caring so much how other people want him to be- think more about how he feels. I need to...well apart from not fuck up they don’t really give me any solid life improvement advice. I guess that should feel good, but considering the shit house my life is at the moment it kind of hurts that they can’t even notice, though I don’t even know if I want them to notice. They’ll try give me some crappy advice like “boys don’t matter at the moment” “It doesn’t matter if you don’t have many friends- it just means the ones you have mean more” “If someone doesn’t want to talk to you, they don’t matter” none of which has ever helped anyone. I’ll still be in love with a guy I can never have and who’d never want me, still be unpopular, and still have people hate me for reasons waaay beyond my comprehension. But, c’est la vie, right? (god I’m a cliché.) So sure my brother is more openly screwed up (though he has no actual reason to be- at least his parents like him as a person) and I’m inwardly screwed up and incapable of opening up, but to then tell my parents I don’t want the life they’ve picked out for me would just...I don’t even know if they’d be able to look at me. It shouldn’t be this hard. I should just be able to casually say “mum, I want to go to CIT and then open my own cafe” but each time I try I just imagine how she’ll look at me like I’ve let her down and then I can’t do it. Well, I guess I’m off to uni then. I wonder if they have a course on “making the most of your crappy life you hate”.

See you round suckers.
xoxo

I'm baaaaaaaack! ;D

HEY GUYS!
ohmygosh I'm back!
I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last posted, and what a crazy year! My three best friends all broke up with their long-term boyfs (One of them is back together, one has a new (better) boyf and one of them is still single (and I'm pretty sure still kind of in love with her douche of an ex)) and there were tears and icecream and hate and a whole lot of me being really awkward and not knowing what to do with crying people, I've fallen for people and had my heart broken, I survived another year of school (though barely), joined Tumblr (http://thefabulousjeremy.tumblr.com) and Instagram (http://instagram.com/mulesvillearizone) (worst best decisions of my life ;P), I got a new much better job at a cafe...um yeah, thinking back not that much has happened tbh, but it felt like crayest year/10.
I can't believe I am so close to being 18 and finishing school, and I still don't know what I want to do. Well I sort of do, but I don't know how to do what I want to do. I want my own cafe. Like for reals. I even know what it would *sort of* look like, and whenever I bake I get super excited for my cafe, but then I'm like "lol I can't do this" even though people tell me I can. ~logic~
But yeah, I guess I'll have to figure it out cause my parents and younger siblings are about to go on posting so that'll leave me and the older brother here to chill and not die. {yay} (loljk)
On another completely unrelated note I'm planning on dying my hair again! yay! I want it fire truck red. Something like these:

Best Collage skills ever, yeah? ;)
But yeah, I want BRIGHT red hair...I realise that they're all sort of different reds, but I'll take whatever red I can get atm...but I have to wait now cause two other people at school just dyed their hair red, so I have to wait till at least one of them no longer has red hair because otherwise it's not as cool.
I also just realised how stupid it is saying "fire truck red" here in Australia, cause in Canberra at least I'm pretty sure our fire trucks are yellow :P

Also I've become seriously addicted to youtube...like more so than usually. I'm listening to the music of a youtuber right now. They're just so pretty though! And by pretty I mean hot...for some reason I'm now calling hot guys pretty, like there's this crazy hot guy at school and every time I see him I just sigh to my friends about how pretty he is and then there's much eye rolling at my inability to behave like a rational human when it comes to hot guys.
Anyway, youtube is my new love. Who needs a boyfriend when I have youtube and Ben & Jerry's (which my local supermarket now has and you can see on my insty (instagram, obvs) that I am greatly taking advantage of this fact...)
My fave youtubers atm are:

• Jacksgap
• Troye Sivan
• ThatcherJoe
• Life As George
• Pointless Blog
• Zoella

These guys are just plain funny, clever and in most cases quite attractive ;)
But really it's just nice listening to people talk about their lives that are significantly more interesting than my own :P
I actually tbh reckon that if I met most of these people in person we'd get on quite well, which actually kind of sucks because all of them except one live in England, so I can't imagine I'll see them any time soon :P

I was seriously collaging shit up today, wasn't I? ;P
Anyway, I've rabbitted on for long enough now and tbh it's probs time for me to go to bed :P
Nighty night!
xoxo