They're my dreams, but who's in charge?

It’s the ages old gripe- 17, and I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but that’s the problem- I do know. I know exactly what I want to do. I’ve got aspirations, dreams and plans. But no one wants to know. Least of all my parents. Sure, they’re all “we just want you guys to be happy. Do whatever will make you happiest.” Bullshiiiiit. My mum would cry and my dad would have a coronary if I told them I didn’t want to go to uni. It’d always been the plan- primary school, high school, college, uni. They blanched at the idea of a gap year, which isn’t even an unreasonable expectation. But telling them I want to go to tafe- uni for the trades? I think they’d die. Especially with them moving overseas and not being here to constantly remind me how I was ruining my chances at a good life, until I finally cracked and transferred to some safe as Arts course at whatever low grade uni I could get into. I mean, I know I’ve wanted to be an arts teacher for the past like 4 years, but that is so over now. I mean, maybe if people didn’t put that idea down each time I brought it up, then I might still want to do that and I’d go to uni- but there’s only so many “you a teacher?” “Emily wants to be a teacher, but with a short fuse like hers, I’d worry for her students” and “You really want to be that crazy art teacher?”-s you can take before you finally accept that maybe that’s not the dream for you. I mean, I gave up on vet and ballerina pretty quickly when I realised I can’t stand the sight of blood and my coordination is about as high as a drunk walrus. But I think I can actually do this. And my friends believe I can too. Sure, they were a little shocked when I first brought it up as something I wanted to do, but they’re all in now. I’ve got at least half a dozen good customers, but really, how much more does a cafe need, right? (so, so wrong. At least judging by how many customers I serve per shift at work.) So if I think I can do this, and other people who are completely willing to gently tell me if my dreams or ideas are stupid, believe I can do this- why can’t I just tell my parents. Why won’t they believe in me? I remember I told my mum once about this and I’m pretty sure she laughed and said “why would you want to do that?!” I reckon my dad would rather I got a tattoo or a boob job then for me to go to CIT. But I’m pretty sure they don’t do a “How to run a cafe 101” at uni. I’ve got so many dreams and ideas, but they all rest on this one thing I can’t bring myself to do- just tell them. But I can’t now. My brother’s about to drop out of uni, and how could I not go after that? It’d shatter them. Sure they want me to be happy, but happy to a point and happy at a price. They’ve spent so much time telling us to do well at school so we can get into uni and get a degree and live happy fulfilling lives, and then they try to tell us that we don’t have to go to uni. Ben has to stop caring so much how other people want him to be- think more about how he feels. I need to...well apart from not fuck up they don’t really give me any solid life improvement advice. I guess that should feel good, but considering the shit house my life is at the moment it kind of hurts that they can’t even notice, though I don’t even know if I want them to notice. They’ll try give me some crappy advice like “boys don’t matter at the moment” “It doesn’t matter if you don’t have many friends- it just means the ones you have mean more” “If someone doesn’t want to talk to you, they don’t matter” none of which has ever helped anyone. I’ll still be in love with a guy I can never have and who’d never want me, still be unpopular, and still have people hate me for reasons waaay beyond my comprehension. But, c’est la vie, right? (god I’m a cliché.) So sure my brother is more openly screwed up (though he has no actual reason to be- at least his parents like him as a person) and I’m inwardly screwed up and incapable of opening up, but to then tell my parents I don’t want the life they’ve picked out for me would just...I don’t even know if they’d be able to look at me. It shouldn’t be this hard. I should just be able to casually say “mum, I want to go to CIT and then open my own cafe” but each time I try I just imagine how she’ll look at me like I’ve let her down and then I can’t do it. Well, I guess I’m off to uni then. I wonder if they have a course on “making the most of your crappy life you hate”.

See you round suckers.
xoxo